when life overwhelms...

these past few weeks have been hard, so much emotional turmoil - heartache, pleasure, pain and numbness (and everything in between) vying for my attention... i've been totally overwhelmed lately...

i needed to move, needed to be closer to me mum, her health and ability to look after herself were declining - and i wanted somewhere shadow and petey were welcome, where i didn't have to hide them for fear of being thrown out should the agents find out about them...

irene, my best friend of many years and someone i call sister, offered to lend me the money to make it possible, so i started looking at a few flats... i applied for one and was upfront and honest about my companions - didn't get that one... i emailed agents about others asking if petey and shadow would be allowed, receiving either no reply or a firm no... i viewed a few more - how some get onto the market and they actually let you look through them i don't know - disgusting - there was no way we could have taken any of them, no way we would be comfortable in such horrid surroundings... i was starting to feel depressed and resigned to the fact that i would either be stuck where i was or always have to lie about the gang in order to find a place to live...

and then an ad caught my eye - well, the precise words that caught my eye were 'pet friendly' - and what a perfect position - just around the corner from work and a short walk or quick tram ride to me mum's place... i just had to go and view that one... such a quaint, lovely wee flat at the back of a block of only 6, with a courtyard and such good energy when i walked in... i knew we would be happy in that flat... so i applied and we got it - shadow, petey and me...

i picked up the keys on thursday 3rd of july - now it was real... but i got a phone call later that morning - my mother had been rushed to hospital... she'd had a 'minor' heart attack, had pneumonia - and they were aside from kidneys that were failing, and lung cancer that was taking its toll... she deteriorated over the next few days...

on the saturday irene happened to be in melbourne so we went to visit judy together... she was extremely distressed - they were poking, prodding and probing her and she yelled at us 'why didn't you take me to the vet, they put you down there' - enough was enough - we requested her doctor be called immediately and demanded they stop their intervention, which was her choice and desire - they even had that on record at the hospital - they were meant to be keeping her comfortable, what comfort did she have in the distress they were causing... within 5 minutes of speaking to the doctor intervention was stopped and morphine was given - what a change when the morphine took effect... she smiled, she was lucid, she talked and laughed about old times with us - it turned out to be a beautiful visit with mum... how terrible it must be for those who are alone, with no-one to speak up for them when they are no longer capable...

sadly that was really the last quality time i got to spend with her... more and more opiates had to be administered to keep the pain and distress at bay, so there were very few moments of awareness for her after that... there were times you knew she knew you were there, but there were many when she didn't have the strength to acknowledge anybody - but almost everybody that mattered to her managed to visit her and she knew, recognised everyone and managed to say her goodbyes - she knew she wasn't going to see them again... every time i went in i would wrap my arms around her - i didn't know sometimes if she knew i was there or not - but i would talk to her and whisper in her ear 'it's time to let go now mum, you really can let go now...'

those few days were so hard - even more so because now i'd committed to moving i had all of my packing to be done in between spending time at the hospital... i don't know what i would have done without my niece rebbecca who virtually organised moving me on tuesday 8th july - she came down from malmsbury with her partner ray and a big covered trailer and they pretty much did it all because i was a mess...

the next day, wednesday 9th july i visited mum along with my brother darrell and her best friend and soul mate eileen... after a while we left with darrell saying he was going back in around 10pm to sit with her overnight as he'd done the previous couple of nights (at last he was finally doing something for his mother - once i would have said too little too late, but this was really the right time for him to come through)...

i was so drained and worn out with the stress of the move and the work still to be done, the knowledge my mother was dying and being unable to spend the time i might have liked to with her, but also feeling i was failing in my responsibility to petey and shadow too... so i came home to slowly start the unpacking process and spend some much needed time with my nonhuman family members - such a hard transition they were going through with me dashing in an out all the time - i felt so guilty constantly leaving them in this place that wasn't really home yet, and i'm sure they must have felt neglected and abandoned...

it was 9.30pm when i got the phone call - mum had died... how sad neither of us were with her at that time, but according to the nurse who sat her last hour with her it was a peaceful passing... so i rang darrell and we both went in to say our final goodbye to her - you could still feel her essence in the room, she'd waited for us in that ethereal way... i'll never forget the moment we walked into the room and darrell went up to her, kissed her on the forehead, then picked up her hand and held it and said "mum, you know you've gone and left us orphans now!" - she would have got a laugh out of that just as i did (after all darrell's 62 and i'm 59!!)... we sat and talked and laughed and cried, but we knew when it was time to leave - the warmth left the room and we knew she was gone...

there's been so much to do since her death and funeral... tying up the loose ends of her life has been a harrowing process and there's been no real time for grieving properly... we collect her ashes from springvale on wednesday and being the st kilda loving womon she was it was her wish to be scattered at the st kilda gardens and the st kilda pier - you'll finally get that walk to the end of the pier that you promised yourself you'd make one more time mum...

unfortunately she will never get to see the flat we moved into to be closer to her... however she got to see photos of it while still lucid so i have no doubt she felt some comfort in the knowledge i'd come home - home to her st kilda...

if the slideshow doesn't view properly, you can view it online... bye mum

thank you to those very special friends who have been there for me and helped me in so many ways - from the mundane moving practicalities to the emotional support needed so desperately - you know who you are...

when thoughts turn to mothers...

my mother is on my mind a lot these days... i'm watching a once strong, feisty, vibrant, active womon become the womon she never saw in her future, never expected nor wanted to be... feeble, confused, depressed, unable to make solid decisions for herself, unable to find much joy in life anymore... it's a hard, painful, frustrating transition for her, and one she often tells me she wishes would end... her dream these days is to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up... 

i understand that dream... she turned 85 last month and has just had enough... chronic, degenerative illnesses and age have robbed her of her spark, her confidence, much of her vision, and her mobility and short term memory are failing by rapidly rising degrees... what lies ahead for her is hard to think about, harder to deal with... she is fluctuating between coping and crumbling, sometimes telling me she doesn't think she can live independently and look after herself anymore, then fearing the next step, entering a care facility, deciding now is not the time to start making those plans yet... being a working class womon with no assets, no money apart from a government pension, limits any option of the type of facility she would be able to afford...

i am concerned for her, and fearful of what lies ahead too... i have no sanctuary to offer her, i have no assets myself and no way to make her safe... i never want to have to make the decision as to where she will go, having heard some of the horror stories of many of the government funded facilities due to under-staffing and under-funding... i hope her dream comes true...

i have my ups and downs, guilt visits occasionally, but depression is a friend and foe that regularly comes to stay these days as our roles are reversed in our mother/daughter relationship, the daughter now the mother, the decision maker, the mother now the daughter, seeking protection and guidance...

my mum (1951); with me (1958)

my friend sailor lily wrote a beautiful essay, letter - i'm not sure what to call it - and sent it to me on my birthday last month - she knows the rocky mother/daughter relationship judy and i have shared, has seen the weight of it over the last few years, knows my fear and concern, understands my desire for my mother's life journey to end with dignity in her own familiar surroundings, with her memories enveloping her... i thought now was an appropriate time to share her words...

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Take a sad song and make it better

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder

Hey Judy! We’ve never met, but I’ve known your girl, your daughter, this amazing womon for well over a decade. Yeah not as long as you, hardly a moment in your life with her, just a blink really, or as long as a cigga takes.

But she’s hurting for you, Mother. She’s caring and crying for you Mother, and she’s doing it alone.  So Judy, so Mother, let’s have a Mum to Mum chat…

You have a river to cross, and you don’t have to swim hard or long. You don’t have to fight, and you won’t drown. Hey Judy, who I’ve never met: You’ve always been able to swim and keep people safe on your back, now is your time to float. When the burden is great know it is your time to float and be carried.

There is a great body of water, salty with life’s tears and spunk, with babies and friends and love, and its sole purpose, this river, is to take you a little downstream until you get to say “Yes, stop here, that’s my place.”

It will be your place. Not anyone else’s. In that place that you recognise you won’t be beholden. It’s just golden and dappled, or maybe a crazy club you once went to…Maybe a friend’s home.  Maybe a view you tasted when you were four.

No matter Judy - you will know it. You’ll be glad and grateful. When the time and the river take you there jump in with all the glee of a kid into the river. With all the happiness of a woman stepping forward into adventure or love, perhaps swept away in the currents, or perhaps quick to swim to the excitement of the other side, the embankment that beckons with green ferns and friends waving.

Hey Judy, be excited. This is it. Your time, your time at long-last.

And from me? By hook and by crook and default and error; you raised a child that became a girl that became a wonderful and powerful womon. Be proud! But when it’s time be nothing but that foot that carries you on, into the water, to take yourself back and forward and in and out to all the space and time of was and is and ever-ness."

----------------------------------------------

there are other mothers on my mind too... unlike my mother who has lived a long, full, mostly happy life and had the benefit of raising her children and watching them grow up, make their own decisions, choose their own paths and follow their journeys, there are many mothers who have never known that pleasure, never been allowed to nurture their babies and watch them grow, never known the wonder and joy of nuzzling, touching, sharing, only ever knowing pain, suffering, heartache and grief... these mothers deserve thought too - they deserve to be known and acknowledged - they deserve respect - they deserve the right to their own life and happy memories... all of us can do something for these mothers - one simple act can change their world, the world they have had no choice in... you have a choice - please, choose compassion, go vegan...

seeing red...

what a morning... the mother had to go to the eye & ear hospital for a 9.30am appointment - doesn't sound too early hey, unless, of course, mornings are your worst time when elderly and infirm!!! so it was ringing her up at 7 to make sure she was okay and able to get up at that time... she was going to be able to do it so it was psyche-up time for me, then off around to her place for 8... 

being public transport users, and it being peak hour (usually extremely hard on me mum - 35-40 minutes standing upright is hard work for a frail 83 year old! and very few offer to give up a seat for the elderly these days!) we decided a cab was the best bet... but as that hadn't arrived after 20 minutes wait downstairs ("if you're ready and waiting now, the next available is on its way!") she wasn't hanging around... 

so it was back to catching a tram - and surprisingly it was relatively empty (must have been a lot of extended long weekend takers)... that tram only takes us a couple of stops though, and then it's onto another one - we catch the 112 at the terminus so we usually get a seat... we were travelling well all things considered - until, of course, the tram in front of us broke down!!!!! 

what can you do? nothing, so it was a matter of waiting patiently... luckily they had it moving within 15 minutes so we were still going to make it on time - my mother's always been one to be early (guess that's where i get it from) and panics even if she has plenty of time 'up her sleeve'... 

i was actually surprised when she asked me to go with her to this appointment - i always offer but she more often than not declines, her independence being important to her, but this time she wanted support - after today i can understand why...

this is the eye & ear hospital, right?! so, visual and aural - one might hazard a guess that everyone going there has a problem with either their sight or hearing?!i must have assumed wrong!

once we found the right floor - her letter hadn't arrived so we had no information as to where she had to go - i was astonished when, in a waiting room full of people - perhaps 50-60 - remember, hard of hearing and or seeing - they called out - ha, that's a joke, they virtually whispered in that environment! - the name of the next patient... the crescendo soon built though with "who", "did you call mrs...", "what was that", "what did they say"... lucky my hearing is good - i didn't want to miss judy's name being called out and ending up going to the back of the queue and waiting all day!!!!! 5 different clinics from the one area so then you have to scan every direction to see who is calling you and what direction they're sprinting off in... no, don't lose sight of them or you'll be lost in those little hidden away corridors forever...

i was to be astounded one more time though... when you finally get seen on this floor, then you're given your file and sent to another floor - "just follow the red (or black, or yellow) line (or whatever colour line goes to your department!!)" too bad if you have really, really poor vision like my mother (eye & ear hospital remember) - the result of kidney failure, glaucoma, diabetes, age (did i miss anything?)... oh, and nausea kicks in if she has to look up or down quickly or for any length of time...

we had to visit 3 different departments today, and i know why she wanted me with her now... she's losing her confidence and stoicism as her health declines, and these are scary places for our more frail senior citizens - they are invisible people who, without advocacy or support, get told nothing - they just get 'seen' and then moved on - they're stamped, dated and rotated... i was my mother's eyes & ears today... and i saw red... and black, and yellow...

this wasn't the post i had planned to write, but i'm still doing some research for that one after watching a documentary at the weekend, that'll be my next post...

for now though i'll leave you with the touching tale of suryia the orangutan and roscoe the dog that a friend sent me the other day... two lost and lonely beings who found friendship...

déjà vu...

me mum - now and way back when...

the mother was rushed to hospital again last thursday – me brother and i are becoming ‘old hands’ at finding our way around the emergency department and the ‘rabbit warren’ of rooms that make up ward 4 at the alfred hospital…

mind you, it was no mean feat getting her from her flat in st kilda to the alfred with all the roadworks happening at the time – all the dirt and dust in the atmosphere was no doubt a contributing factor to her inability to breath – and yep, pneumonia was part of the diagnosis – along with renal failure (of course, having chronic kidney disease meant that wasn’t a shock!)

after stabilising her there’s not much else they can do for her so she came home late saturday afternoon… they did discover she has no vitamin b12 in her body though so has to have regular supplementary injections (for the rest of her life, however long that will be - no, we're under no illusions, this is the downward slide) – but as she has ‘all her faculties’ and can still ‘live independently’ the dmu (disease management unit) is looking at a plan to provide more ‘carer assistance’ for her… it’ll be interesting to see how long it takes them to draw up that plan… perhaps they’re thinking ‘independent palliative care’ – after all it’s very bleak, ‘slim pickings’ where decent facilities are concerned for poor, low income pensioners – as judy says “all they do is put you in front of a television all day – i can do that myself!”

luckily there is a real sense of community in her block of flats with most residents looking in on each other and providing meals (wanted or not) and offers of assistance (although my mother – hey, my whole family – were brought up to ‘do things for themselves’ and not ask for help) - she’s extremely appreciative of the offers but I just know she won’t take anyone up on it though – she will of course help anyone else that needs assistance but it’s just so ingrained in her to not talk about her own problems and health issues – hey, it’s even hard for her to open up to her children! one of my grandmother’s favourite quotes was “i was sad because i had no shoes until i met a man that had no feet…” when you’re brought up with the view that there’s always someone worse off than you it’s hard to put yourself first because that seems selfish… good old fucking catholic guilt – has a lot to answer for…

for a bit of a relax after all the ‘excitement’ i popped a black raspberry (my favourite fragrance) soy wax melt on, made a mull and settled back to watch a movie - “my house in umbria” – maggie smith is wonderful as the eccentric mrs delahunty – a british romance writer living in a beautiful umbrian villa… whilst on a train ride through the italian countryside there is a bomb blast in the carriage she is sharing with nine others… the devastating blast leaves only four survivors – a disparate group of people whom mrs delahunty invites back to her villa to recuperate and come to terms with their altered lives… it’s a charming movie - happy and sad in equal measure, with delightful scenery - well worth the watch…


the rest of the weekend has been spent doing this'n'that for me mum so now it's time to do my domestic crap... sorry for the unedifying post, but that's been my last few days... ohh, shit - me smoke alarm's going off - me toast must be burning!!!! (it also goes off when when it detects 'excessive' steam from the shower - now that's a pain if i'm enjoying a nice hot shower - good for water conservation though, it forces me to have quicker showers!!)

playin' around...

after receiving care2's "healthy and green living" update this morning i was going to post about their article "10 Shockingly Violent Video Games" but i've just decided to link to it instead so you can read it for yourself - if you're a parent or educator this article could (should) be of interest to you - the list was created by Common Sense Media ("dedicated to improving the lives of kids and families by providing the trustworthy information, education, and independent voice they need to thrive in a world of media and technology" - a site well worth checking out!) - the violent imagery that kids are exposed to in these 'games' sounds very disturbing to say the least...

i have to admit here to getting sidetracked after checking out larry the librarian's latest post... i 'got the bug' and had to have a play with his favourite new toy... so here's a slideshow of me mum - i've used all of these photos through my blog but this tool does tend to 'showcase' them better... mind you, there are a number of elements to play with so if you had the time you could create some spectacular effects... and, as with everything, if you want to upgrade to the paid premium version you get access to even more options... but for the amateur free is good... and if you're 'of a mind' you can even upload your 'movies' to YouTube via this tool... i've tried out a few similar tools before and this one is very easy to use and quick to load compared to some...

 i created two slideshows out of curiosity - same photos but the first one is just a basic slideshow and the second uses one of the free montage style themes called 'glam'...

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

a 'decadent' day...

yay – i’ve got absolutely nothing planned today!!!

the weekend’s been quite busy… had to do some shopping for me mother on saturday morning 'cause she didn’t feel up to getting down the street – she’s having bad effects from one of the medications she’s been on - spiriva for her copd - chronic obstructive pulmonary disease – knocks her about for most of the day, and on reading the information that came with it apparently people with kidney disease and glaucoma maybe shouldn’t take it – she has both of those 'conditions' as well – way to go alfred hospital renal department – now that sounds competent!!! i spoke to her this morning though and she's rejigged when she takes this one until she goes for a check up next week and was feeling much better...

here's a photo of me mum with me brother at 5 months (big fucker wasn't he!! - i need to record my mother telling her story about his birth - it's priceless!!!) - that would make it june 1952... and i thought i'd 'throw in' one of her mum with their beautiful spaniel honey - that would have been in the very late 50s or early 60s because i remember honey and recognise the house in highett where they were living at the time - although it looks like there's another dog (that looks very much like my allie) on the verandah - but i don't remember them having 2 dogs at the one time...

talking of allie, my beautiful old incontinent girl keeps me busy – I’m forever mopping up piss and washing towels!!! a small ‘price’ really for her years of companionship, love and loyalty – but it can get you down sometimes – but there is only limited time for depression and self-pity – coming from a working-class background of battlers and survivors I learnt early that you just have to ‘pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with life' – until the next crisis anyway... and of course there's shadow too - he has needs and demands on my time as well!!!

the malmsbury mob came down saturday evening and stayed the night - it’s always pleasurable to have irene and the gang visit – i get to see my louie boy… we laughed, smoked and enjoyed the poodles antics…i made us a yummy pasta that we had with some beautiful sourdough bread...

the contract for the land is being signed this week so we’ll know when settlement will be at that point – either 30 or 60 days - and then we’ll be able to move ahead with the ‘retreat’ design and plans… we’re still ‘umm-ing and ahh-ing’ about which design and company to go with but i’m really excited about it - it’ll be new, and it’ll be my home!!!!

sunday morning meant a run over at the leash free park for the poodles – where we met montgomery the beautiful cinnamon coloured standard poodle – and did he love meeting up with the poodle pack – poodles just love other poodles no matter their size!!!! then we met and cried with another womon who had recently lost her old dog, her companion of 15 years, to cancer – but she had just rescued a wee little terrier cross so we shed a few tears of happiness for the lucky little girl!!! a weepy start to the day - you just never know what a walk to the park will unveil!!!

time for the gang to go home then and me to psyche myself up and get ready for work – at least I only had to go to AP so the shift was only 3 ¾ hours – and it turned out to be a nice cruisy shift this weekend (unlike last Sunday!!!) so we got pretty much all of the shelving done – now that doesn’t happen very often these days!!!

so here it is monday morning - i’m blogging, having a smoke and thinking about making some decadent chocolate truffles or rum balls (recipes below) before i relax with either a movie or a book – haven’t decided yet… but that’s not until after I do some ‘domestic shit’ - after that sheer decadence is the order of the day!!!

Decadent chocolate truffles

• 1 x 8 ounce container nondairy cream cheese
• 3 cups confectioners' sugar
• 3 cups nondairy semisweet or dark chocolate chips (or any high-quality chocolate), melted
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• Ingredients for coating truffles (see below)

In the large bowl of a food processor, beat cream cheese until smooth. Add confectioners' sugar, 1 cup at a time, until well blended. Add melted chocolate and vanilla and stir until thoroughly combined.

Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour or as long as overnight. The longer you refrigerate the batter, the easier it will be to roll into perfect balls. However, it will definitely require elbow grease to scoop them out.

Shape into 1-inch balls. Refrigerate again if the batter is too soft, especially if your kitchen is warm. Use a strong spoon or melon baller to create uniform sizes.

Once rolled, either send balls back to fridge or coat in any of the following:

• Finely ground nuts (pecans, hazelnuts, walnuts, almonds)
• Sifted cocoa powder
• Toasted or raw coconut
• Sifted confectioners' sugar

• To create a hard chocolate shell, refrigerate rolled truffle balls for at least 30 minutes (longer is fine, too). Melt some nondairy chocolate, either a good quality chocolate bar or chocolate chips, and dip each ball into the chocolate. Return to the refrigerator and let set for at least 1 hour.

Rum Balls

60g dairy-free margarine

2 tbsp treacle (i might use agave syrup)
60g brown sugar
1 tbsp cocoa
1 tbsp rum (or other liqueur)
2 tbsp almond meal
1 cup mixed chopped dates or fruits of choice
1 cup chopped mixed nuts


place margarine, treacle (or alternative) and sugar in saucepan and slowly bring to boil. Remove from heat and stir in remaining incredients. mix well, cool and roll into balls. roll in favourite coating.

nothing left to do but eat and enjoy!!!!

and here's an evening update...

it's 6.15 and this is a picture of the decadent chocolate truffles i made earlier this afternoon!!!

i halved the truffle recipe above, added chopped nuts to the mixture, rolled some in cocoa and some in crushed nuts - i got 14 truffles - they're decadent and oh so yummy - allie gives them the seal of approval too!!!!!

one of 'those' weeks...

well, me mum's 'cold' did turn out to be pneumonia!! we had to race her into hospital last sunday because she couldn't breathe... we got to emergency about 1 pm and left her in what we hoped were capable hands 7-odd hours later...

'they' did just want us to sit in the waiting room until she could be seen, but after convincing the triage nurse that she needed oxygen we got her onto a trolley albeit in the corridor but it was at least on the right side of the doors!!! the corridor turned out to be a busy area, but she was soon moved into a cubicle and onto a proper bed where she stayed most of the night for monitoring and was then moved to the acute medical unit where she spent the next few days...

going to the emergency department with a chronically ill person can be a problem though... they treat the obvious symptoms but we had a time and a half getting them to understand the chronic nature of the renal failure she's dealing with which can be impacted by the medication they were giving her... and then they were quite prepared to send her home once she could breathe properly - until the treating doctor finally took in "she only has 14% kidney function"... that's when she was told she'd be staying overnight and seeing a renal doctor... and that's when it was decided she would need to be observed for most of the week... she wasn't happy at having to stay there!!!

i can understand her hesitation at the thought of hospital - last time she had pneumonia she was given the wrong medication that almost killed her... then she had 'keyhole' surgery on her gallbladder which was where the kidney problem originated - they 'nicked' her kidney which has caused her renal failure... nah, she doesn't have a good time when she goes into hospital - nor does she have any confidence in 'them'!!!! and of course, there was a major incident when they gave her a steroid to help her lungs, which made her blood sugar level skyrocket to 19 millimoles per litre - the average for most people is somewhere between 4 and 8 - so that was dangerously high - they had to give her insulin to stabilise her but there was a real possibility of her falling into a diabetic coma - lucky they didn't just send her home with that medication!!!

the staff were lovely though... oooh, i should qualify that - the nursing staff and allied services staff along with the junior medical staff were wonderful - not so the senior teaching doctor (the alfred is a major "tertiary referral teaching hospital") that was dealing with her 'case' - he was such an arrogant prick (even the nurses agreed with that) - does that come with the 'territory' - the 'better than' attitude - the specialist 'i get paid a lot therefore i'm better' syndrome?? he very rarely acknowledged her and when he did actually speak TO her he treated her like a child, as though she couldn't possibly understand (or be interested in) anything about her own health - oh, he didn't acknowledge the family might be interested either but just spoke in 'doctor-ese' to the junior staff as though none of us were present - definitely no bedisde manner there!!!!

anyway she's home now and starting to feel 'fighting fit' (well, as much as a chronically ill older person can!!!) and we've finally been able to talk her into home help, which has been arranged by the hospital and will continue through council and community services and will be ongoing to enable her to stay living independently - and that's a fear a lot of older infirm people live with - the fear of losing their independence, their home, their friends...

okay, i think a fitting end to this post would be some more pictures of me mum... she was between 14 and 16 when these were taken so it was around 1945...

funny the things we don't know about our parents... i never knew she could ride a horse until i saw this photo (and asked her whether this was just a 'posed' shot or whether she could actually ride!!!) - this would have been at either the relo's in healesville or romsey...

and i can tell from the stance and lack of smile that she wasn't impressed when this one was being taken... and for some reason i think of 'little bo peep' whenever i look at this photo!!!

and this one is with me nan (and by the looks of it possibly me nan's birthday with a card sitting in front of her!)

there used to be a wonderful cafe (or was that tea-room, restaurant, or eatery) in collins street where time seemed to have 'stood still' - you went down a very steep wooden staircase to enter into a bygone era, but i can't remember it's name now - i can tell by the decor that's where this picture was taken - it seems many generations of melburnians enjoyed this little gem over the decades - probably just 'the norm' in dining in me mum's era but it was definitely a little bit of 'old world charm' in my more modern world!!

changing times...

you may (or may not) have noticed i've changed my  blog a tad - the header actually... hey, they say a change is as good as a holiday... so i went on a 'journey of discovery', scrolling through image after image... i had a minimum requirement - it had to contain a womon, a book, and an animal...

well, i found a graphic i really liked... it's by an artist named Jim Warren - "From the wild & whimsical to the sweet & sensuous, for over 40 years Jim Warren has been painting his way into the hearts and minds of people the world over. Already considered a "living legend of the art world", Jim continues to surprise and amaze"... opposite is his original and i just couldn't resist it... i love the illusion of the sand as mattress, and the water as blanket... i might have to use more of his graphics on my blog!!!!

i may one day even change the colour scheme of my blog - or not - but that is certainly for the future...

anyway i've spent quite some time on this little project so the post is short because now i have to go and tend to me mother - she needs some shopping and just can't get out (pity her son, my brother, doesn't think to drive over and help out - yeah, he's got a car, but when you need him there's always a reason he can't make it)... she's been really unwell - a bad cold on top of everything else - so long as it doesn't evolve into pneumonia she'll be okay (sort of)... but she's just about had enough now because her kidney disease is wearing her out... weakness, fatigue and inability to go anywhere are taking their toll...

a 'vision-ary' tale...

there are some things i really don't look forward to, especially if it  involves an 'implement of torture'... and i definitely dislike someone i'm not intimate with invading any part of my 'person'...

least favourite are doctors, pap smears and the vaginal speculum (ooooh, think i'm way overdue for one of those!!!) - breast checks - internal ultrasounds - hey, let's face it, medical 'procedures' in general...

dental technicians - being fitted for new dentures is no fun at all - they fill these moulds with dental 'putty', shove 'em in your mouth to obtain gum impressions but yuk - the putty squishes out and down the throat and there i go, dry-retching!!! (luckily visits to them are years apart these days - but ohhh so expensive and uncomfortable!!)

i have to add hairdressers to my list - some people just shouldn't be allowed near scissors, 'product' or hot water  - i actually love the scalp massage when done well though... but there's also the brightness of the 'salon' (hurts the eyes), the sometimes very loud, intrusive, not-my-idea-of-music 'noise' (scrambles the brain and hurts the ears), the fact they ask what you want done but then don't listen - they keep saying 'yeah' they know what you mean, while doing something totally different (exposure to too much 'product' perhaps!!! - i've had a number of bad experiences over the years - and very bad hairstyles!!!)

needless to say optometrists fit into the category too - unfortunately it's been getting harder and harder to read - so i had to stop procrastinating and psych myself up for the inevitable... i hate things being done to my eyes - i can't even handle eye drops... watching anything coming towards my pupils turns my eyelids into steel clamps - anything touching my eyeball - nuh, no way - that's never going to happen - nothin' is gettin' passed the defenses of these 'lids - they clamp shut of their own volition!!!! that external contraption is bad enough!!!

my eyes have deteriorated (umm, that's why i made the appointment in the first place!!) so it's new glasses for me... i had thoughts of rimless frames (also cutting down on styles and designs to be overwhelmed by!) alas that proved to be "champagne taste on a beer budget"!!!! the frames alone were nearly $600 - with the lenses i need (they're $550 by themselves!) my glasses would have cost over $1100 - for 1 pair!!!!! i settled on semi-rimless, at less than half the price of the rimless frames - $758 all up... not exactly cheap, and i have to wait up to 10 days for them!!  it's an expense i could do without so there's a frugal few weeks coming up!!! sigh, sigh... there goes my 'splurge' on a nice piece of art for the lounge!!!!

i did treat myself (on a far less grand scale) on the way home though - hey, it's me birthday... i needed a new oil burner so i called into ishka where i  found some soy wax melts, "...a fantastic alternative to oils in oil burners. The soy wax allows for sensational scent throw and is an economical way to enjoy elume's beautiful selection of fragrances." i'm melting a frangipani scented one at the moment and it's delightful, and you can  notice it throughout the flat... i bought a couple of other fragrances to try out too - but i called in to see me mum and she 'snaffled' the lemon-myrtle one...

she was having a bit of a 'bad day' today - exhausted without doing anything - and, unlike her, was still in her dressing-gown and couldn't be bothered getting up when i left... she's sick and tired of not being able to do anything - so i'm cooking lunch for her and my aunt on thursday and shouting them a taxi around to my place - she wanted to take me out for lunch or cook for me for my birthday, but she finds both an effort - and let's face it, with her very limited 'cuisine likings' and dietary requirements, my veganism (which she's trying to get her head around!!) i can make something delicious that we can both eat - and she gets a few hours outside of her daily routine while feeling comfortable in the knowledge that she can lie down should she have to!!!!

 

 

i'm going to leave you with a photo of her on her wedding day (minus my father - no pics of them together seem to have survived their separation!!!!) 

 

and, coincidentally, they were married on 21 april 1950 - 
5 years to the day before i was born on 21 april 1955... hmm, that could explain some things about our relationship!!

 

with my grandmother (centre) and great-grandmother (known to all as 'nanny great' - a very stern and scary womon!!!)

 

 

 

with her brother kevin (and i just don't recall his ears being that 'noticeable' before!!) ... sadly her younger brother graham has just been diagnosed with early stage altzheimer's - he's only 66...

this'n'that...

had a very pleasant afternoon visit from larry the librarian on monday - we shared a bottle, some food, had a smoke together and caught up on each other's lives (i'd have more regular updates if you went back to your blog you 'turncoat' twitterer and facebooker!!!)

it was me mother's birthday on tuesday so it was a trip around to spend a bit of time with her... 'armed' with flowers, gifts and a bag of books from a friend (there's a library in the community room so once she's read them they go downstairs for the rest of the residents - all donations gratefully accepted!!) - it was only a short stay though because she get's really tired... she did ring the next evening to say what a thoroughly enjoyable time she had - doesn't take much these days - kidney disease is giving her a 'rough ride'... here's a few more early pics of her...

at a work ball with a friend approx. 1947

she can't remember the year this one was taken but the fashion was very WAAAF inspired...

taken around 1949...

i received an email from a friend on wednesday evening that led me to an article about smoking 'tailor-made' cigarettes that every vegan and vegetarian should know about...

"Cigs contain pig's blood, academic says. 

Cigarettes may contain traces of pig's blood, an Australian academic says with a warning that religious groups could find its undisclosed presence "very offensive"

University of Sydney Professor Simon Chapman points to recent Dutch research which identified 185 different industrial uses of a pig - including the use of its haemoglobin in cigarette filters." ... read more here

i was horrified... guess i'll have to think about a return to rolling my own ... i used to smoke rollies - champion ruby or drum menthol depending on how the mood took me... is there no end to the heinous uses humans will put anything animal to??

i came across a really good vegan recipe site yesterday - the post punk kitchen - i'll definitely be trying out some of the recipes from here...

i 'lashed out' and bought an ebook the other day - after seeing the beautiful pictures of the 71 recipes contained in the book (yeah, pics only on this site - you have to pay for the book before you get the recipes!!) - i just had to have it - they look mouth-watering...

"Gunter took up a Pastry Chef apprenticeship in 1971 and when he immigrated to Australia in 1987, he started his catering business “Gunter’s Gourmet Gateau” and later, “Gunter’s Cafe and Continental Cake Shop” on the South Coast of NSW.

In 1999 his dedication to a vegan diet inspired him to continue his passion for baking and adapting traditional recipes to his vegan lifestyle."

guess i might have to make something to take into work one day.... yeah, one day... until then i'll just drool over the pictures!!!!

i had a bit of a 'meltdown' at work on wednesday - allie had a wee regress - back to weeing in her sleep (that'll teach me for changing the lounge and bedroom around and don't i feel bad!!!!) - worry about her, judy and life in general got me really down, totally depressed and unable to cope with work on thursday (i had a wee regress too)...

but then Sailor Lily called in yesterday afternoon bearing some lovely treats to cheer me up - such a lovely thought... thanks Lil, the loving earth chocolate is quite delish and part of their philosophy is - "Conscious Consumerism : healthy - sustainable - fair - the 3 fundamental principles of Loving Earth and define the strict criteria, which we use to source and develop all of our products" - everything is vegan, gluten free and low GI... they're a melbourne based company that believes in fair trade and they work with indigenous communities here in australia and around the world... you can read more about them here...

okay, now i've spent some time blogging i might start reading jilliane hoffman's newest novel 'pretty little things' ... so enjoy one of the only things worthwhile from this christian (but once pagan Eostre) celebratory time... a 4-day long weekend!!!!!

what's that? i can't hear you...

I remember the peace and quiet of albert park lake when I was young – a place where kids and families went for special outings, friends met for picnics to catch up, lovers strolled around the lake...

originally occupied by the tribes of the Kulin nation, and significant as a place of corroboree, european 'settlement' in 1835 soon changed  lives and landscape. called south park by the 'settlers', it was renamed albert park in 1862 after the death of vickie's consort bertie (yep, that'd be queen victoria & albert - and nah, no respect for the monarchy here!!!), and 'boasted' 385 hectares of parkland, with the lake being created from a lagoon between 1880 and 1890 – unfortunately the site has been further whittled away by so-called progress – it’s now 225 hectares (and no doubt still shrinking!!!)

Albert Park lagoon

according to Parks Victoria "... Albert Park Reserve is one of Australia’s premier recreational parks. The constant motion of walkers, joggers, cyclists, yachts and rowers are all part of the Albert Park scene."  they omit to say these leisurely activities are impossible on grand prix weekend - then it becomes a petrol-heads' paradise - a 'boys own' convention - the noisiest place on earth!!!!

yeah, the peace has been shattered here in st Kilda this weekend… I’m surprised my eardrums aren’t ruptured - my head is definitely thumping (ibuprofen was a must to have on hand) - fumes are a problem too because my eyes have been stinging and breathing isn't too easy either (asthma!!!) – how does everyone else unfortunate enough to live close to the 'grand prix racing track' cope? What about all the poor animals, domestic and wild – how do they perceive this totally unnatural cacophony – lucky my old girl is deaf (although she is distressed when the jets fly over – the pitch and vibration seem to affect her!!!)... me boy has spent a lot of time huddling under the table - he's stayed inside voluntarily, hasn't even wanted to be out until his curfew – I’m glad because there’s been a lot of aggressive sounding people, lots of abusive shouting – far too many idiots around - booze and rev-heads - it's time to take the toys away from the boys!!

go on new south wales – please outbid victoria for it – or south australia,  please 'reclaim' it – let's get rid of this noise pollutant from our doorsteps - there're certainly no environmental constraints associated with this event!!! – the residents of port phillip shouldn't have to put up with it any longer - it's been an unwanted nuisance here for 15 long, noisy years!!! it's a constant assault on the senses – even public transport is affected – too bad if you’re elderly, infirm or just a public transport user in general... if you're not one of the minority who enjoys cars, toxic fumes, deafening noise and dickheads it's probably wise to think about going away on holidays at this time for the next 3 years (yep, that's right, it's here for another 3 fucking years!!!) and keep your fingers crossed that victoria ditches it after that!!!

on that note i need to go and have some more ibuprofen - the noise is intense at the moment - but before i go...

it's me mum's birthday on tuesday - she'll be 81 so i thought i'd upload some photos of her from the 40s... time to 'preserve' a photographic record of her life before the old black and white photos have disintegrated...

(she's the one on the right in both of these)

(and no, that's not a brooch - that's a hole eaten through the photo!!!)

these were taken in the mid - late 40s when judy was between 16 and 19...

blogged out and work weary...

i spent a bit of time on saturday refining a new parenting blog we're 'unveiling' at our in-service day on wednesday... i took care of the aesthetics and Sailor Lil took care of the written content - i must say i'm quite proud of the way it looks and extremely thankful that Lil's a 'wordsmith'... more on that next week...

but consequently having spent all day friday and (i won't say how much of my) saturday on it i found it hard to do some personal blogging - i was a tad 'blogged out' - i had intended to spend some time writing last night, but i was way too tired after working at albert park - i can't believe how busy it was - the unallocated list seemed never-ending, the returns kept coming thick and fast and the phone kept ringing ("sorry, we're totally booked out today) - i never want to see a dvd again - you get sore hands and arms opening and closing those bloody cases (let alone what all that bending over searching does to your back)!!! it was pretty much the same last sunday...

i saw my mother today, she needed a few things and wasn't feeling well enough to go down the street - she's having a lot more downs than ups at the moment... at times she's black and blue all over - as she describes it "i look like i've been 10 rounds with muhammad ali" - that's her chronic kidney disease - kidneys are deteriorating and have problems removing waste from blood...

i thought i'd share a couple of pictures of her - it was 1950, her 21st birthday...

and i was sent these amazing pics  - i just have to share them - they tell an amazing tale...

Norbert Rosing's striking images of a wild polar bear coming upon tethered sled dogs in the wilds of Canada's Hudson Bay...

The photographer was sure that he was going to see the end of his dogs when the polar bear wandered in.

the polar bear appeared to want company, and returned every night for a week to play with the dogs.

a gentle giant - unfortunately an endangered species - such a magnificent creature - the dog's beautiful too...