when thoughts turn to mothers...

my mother is on my mind a lot these days... i'm watching a once strong, feisty, vibrant, active womon become the womon she never saw in her future, never expected nor wanted to be... feeble, confused, depressed, unable to make solid decisions for herself, unable to find much joy in life anymore... it's a hard, painful, frustrating transition for her, and one she often tells me she wishes would end... her dream these days is to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up... 

i understand that dream... she turned 85 last month and has just had enough... chronic, degenerative illnesses and age have robbed her of her spark, her confidence, much of her vision, and her mobility and short term memory are failing by rapidly rising degrees... what lies ahead for her is hard to think about, harder to deal with... she is fluctuating between coping and crumbling, sometimes telling me she doesn't think she can live independently and look after herself anymore, then fearing the next step, entering a care facility, deciding now is not the time to start making those plans yet... being a working class womon with no assets, no money apart from a government pension, limits any option of the type of facility she would be able to afford...

i am concerned for her, and fearful of what lies ahead too... i have no sanctuary to offer her, i have no assets myself and no way to make her safe... i never want to have to make the decision as to where she will go, having heard some of the horror stories of many of the government funded facilities due to under-staffing and under-funding... i hope her dream comes true...

i have my ups and downs, guilt visits occasionally, but depression is a friend and foe that regularly comes to stay these days as our roles are reversed in our mother/daughter relationship, the daughter now the mother, the decision maker, the mother now the daughter, seeking protection and guidance...

my mum (1951); with me (1958)

my friend sailor lily wrote a beautiful essay, letter - i'm not sure what to call it - and sent it to me on my birthday last month - she knows the rocky mother/daughter relationship judy and i have shared, has seen the weight of it over the last few years, knows my fear and concern, understands my desire for my mother's life journey to end with dignity in her own familiar surroundings, with her memories enveloping her... i thought now was an appropriate time to share her words...

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Take a sad song and make it better

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder

Hey Judy! We’ve never met, but I’ve known your girl, your daughter, this amazing womon for well over a decade. Yeah not as long as you, hardly a moment in your life with her, just a blink really, or as long as a cigga takes.

But she’s hurting for you, Mother. She’s caring and crying for you Mother, and she’s doing it alone.  So Judy, so Mother, let’s have a Mum to Mum chat…

You have a river to cross, and you don’t have to swim hard or long. You don’t have to fight, and you won’t drown. Hey Judy, who I’ve never met: You’ve always been able to swim and keep people safe on your back, now is your time to float. When the burden is great know it is your time to float and be carried.

There is a great body of water, salty with life’s tears and spunk, with babies and friends and love, and its sole purpose, this river, is to take you a little downstream until you get to say “Yes, stop here, that’s my place.”

It will be your place. Not anyone else’s. In that place that you recognise you won’t be beholden. It’s just golden and dappled, or maybe a crazy club you once went to…Maybe a friend’s home.  Maybe a view you tasted when you were four.

No matter Judy - you will know it. You’ll be glad and grateful. When the time and the river take you there jump in with all the glee of a kid into the river. With all the happiness of a woman stepping forward into adventure or love, perhaps swept away in the currents, or perhaps quick to swim to the excitement of the other side, the embankment that beckons with green ferns and friends waving.

Hey Judy, be excited. This is it. Your time, your time at long-last.

And from me? By hook and by crook and default and error; you raised a child that became a girl that became a wonderful and powerful womon. Be proud! But when it’s time be nothing but that foot that carries you on, into the water, to take yourself back and forward and in and out to all the space and time of was and is and ever-ness."

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there are other mothers on my mind too... unlike my mother who has lived a long, full, mostly happy life and had the benefit of raising her children and watching them grow up, make their own decisions, choose their own paths and follow their journeys, there are many mothers who have never known that pleasure, never been allowed to nurture their babies and watch them grow, never known the wonder and joy of nuzzling, touching, sharing, only ever knowing pain, suffering, heartache and grief... these mothers deserve thought too - they deserve to be known and acknowledged - they deserve respect - they deserve the right to their own life and happy memories... all of us can do something for these mothers - one simple act can change their world, the world they have had no choice in... you have a choice - please, choose compassion, go vegan...

my, time certainly flies...

hard to believe that my two weeks off are just about over – and i didn’t even blog during that time… hey, there were times i didn’t even turn on the computer for days at a time… guess i needed a break from technology too…

i did the 'dutiful daughter' thing though – yep, the mother was ill - she thought her kidneys were 'packing up' so we got into the hospital and then spent 7 hours in the emergency ward while they monitored lungs and kidneys - once they discovered neither had deteriorated significantly they sent her home – the next day was spent checking up on her and doing her shopping…

of course, when she wanted more shopping a couple of days later i wasn't so happy when she insisted on coming - she refuses to accept she can't do what she once did - consequently she needed to take a break from walking (it wears her out - and she can barely breath) so we decided on a sit-down and a coffee… she thought we should eat but she just couldn’t (or wouldn't) understand that there was nothing in the shop i could get that was vegan-friendly and anyway, all i wanted was coffee, but she could have food... her response was typical - why couldn’t i just 'stop being so damn difficult' – hmmm,  apparently i went vegan just to antagonise her!!!!

you could say we get very niggly after too long with each other - conversation sometimes can get a bit strained between us - the mother's become really conservative over the years so we disagree on a lot of issues… i try to just let things ‘wash over me’ but after a while ‘bad daughter’ comes to the fore and stands up for herself and her beliefs… my mother just doesn’t ‘get’ vegan – vegetarian she could (just) cope with, but vegan - now that's just tooooo weird... never has she asked why i chose to be vegan - of course, why would she, she already knows i did it to be difficult!! – these days it seems if it’s not her belief system, it's not worth learning about - it's not the status quo so we just won't talk about it… fuck there are times when i wished i lived on a remote country property far away from my mother (and, at times, humankind in general!) – see, bad, bad daughter….

enough of the mother/daughter shit... 

i haven’t gotten through anywhere near the amount of reading i had planned… and now i’ve gotten even more to read because two new books i bought a few weeks ago arrived… ‘the sexual politics of meat: a feminist-vegetarian critical theory’ by carol adams, and ‘sister species: women, animals and social justice’ ed. by lisa kemmerer… being mine rather than the library's though means i can read them anytime...

i did watch a couple of interesting movies – one, a documentary called “troubled minds - the lithium revolution” – in the 1940s an australian doctor, john cade, discovered the ‘benefits’ of lithium for treating manic depression (as it was called then – bi-polar now) – this in effect marked the beginning of psycho-pharmacology (the use of drugs to manage psychiatric conditions) – up until this discovery electric shock ‘therapy’ and lobotomies were the dominant treatments… it explains his search for chemical alternatives to these brutal forms of treatment and the lack of interest from drug companies because lithium is a naturally occurring element so couldn’t be exploited commercially – it was quite fascinating actually….

i also watched ‘ironclad’ – set in 13^th century england when john was king – this is the story of what john did after being forced to sign the magna carta – his rampage across the country and the violence he and his mercenary army perpetrated against all who signed the document and supported limiting a kings powers – that included mass slaughter of families and villagers - in his desire to regain total control… this was also very interesting, but very graphic - i found myself closing my eyes a lot – but they were violent times…

i caught up with a number of people too – usually dinner at my place because it’s just easier – i know exactly what’s gone into the food and nobody that comes to share has any problems with my vegan menu – consequently i cooked, ate and drank soooo much – and i did catch up with a vegan friend that i hadn’t seen for ages – it’s always lovely to speak to a full-on, ra-ra-ra vegan - ahh, another's passionate belief in the things i hold important – it makes the heart sing...

two causes i strongly believe in take ‘centre stage’ this week…

the first one is the oscar’s law rally i’m off to tomorrow -  a campaign to stop the factory farming of companion animals… the campaign is named for this wee little boy who was finally rescued after spending 5 years as a breeding machine for the greed of humans… the sheer neglect these babes suffer is heartbreaking… my old girl allie who died earlier this year spent her first 4 years of ‘life’ as a ‘brood bitch’ in a puppy factory and believe me there are psychological as well as physical scars from the deprivations they endure…

the second cause is palestine’s 'push' for UN recognition of statehood…  over 120 nations from the middle east, africa, asia, and latin america have already endorsed this initiative, but israel and the US are trying to block it... europe is still undecided - sadly it appears australia is undecided too… 44 years of occupation is just way too long - please sign the petition calling on the UN to recognise the state of palestine here…





i'll leave you with this video a friend sent me... 'freed' after decades as laboratory animals in a pharmaceutical research facility, this is the extremely touching vision of a group of chimpanzees seeing the outside world, feeling the sun on their faces and bodies, for the first time... their pleasure is apparent - palpable - and brings a tear to the eye and a smile to the lips... (the commentary isn't in english - but who needs commentary - a picture paints a thousand words)... you can read more here...

déjà vu...

me mum - now and way back when...

the mother was rushed to hospital again last thursday – me brother and i are becoming ‘old hands’ at finding our way around the emergency department and the ‘rabbit warren’ of rooms that make up ward 4 at the alfred hospital…

mind you, it was no mean feat getting her from her flat in st kilda to the alfred with all the roadworks happening at the time – all the dirt and dust in the atmosphere was no doubt a contributing factor to her inability to breath – and yep, pneumonia was part of the diagnosis – along with renal failure (of course, having chronic kidney disease meant that wasn’t a shock!)

after stabilising her there’s not much else they can do for her so she came home late saturday afternoon… they did discover she has no vitamin b12 in her body though so has to have regular supplementary injections (for the rest of her life, however long that will be - no, we're under no illusions, this is the downward slide) – but as she has ‘all her faculties’ and can still ‘live independently’ the dmu (disease management unit) is looking at a plan to provide more ‘carer assistance’ for her… it’ll be interesting to see how long it takes them to draw up that plan… perhaps they’re thinking ‘independent palliative care’ – after all it’s very bleak, ‘slim pickings’ where decent facilities are concerned for poor, low income pensioners – as judy says “all they do is put you in front of a television all day – i can do that myself!”

luckily there is a real sense of community in her block of flats with most residents looking in on each other and providing meals (wanted or not) and offers of assistance (although my mother – hey, my whole family – were brought up to ‘do things for themselves’ and not ask for help) - she’s extremely appreciative of the offers but I just know she won’t take anyone up on it though – she will of course help anyone else that needs assistance but it’s just so ingrained in her to not talk about her own problems and health issues – hey, it’s even hard for her to open up to her children! one of my grandmother’s favourite quotes was “i was sad because i had no shoes until i met a man that had no feet…” when you’re brought up with the view that there’s always someone worse off than you it’s hard to put yourself first because that seems selfish… good old fucking catholic guilt – has a lot to answer for…

for a bit of a relax after all the ‘excitement’ i popped a black raspberry (my favourite fragrance) soy wax melt on, made a mull and settled back to watch a movie - “my house in umbria” – maggie smith is wonderful as the eccentric mrs delahunty – a british romance writer living in a beautiful umbrian villa… whilst on a train ride through the italian countryside there is a bomb blast in the carriage she is sharing with nine others… the devastating blast leaves only four survivors – a disparate group of people whom mrs delahunty invites back to her villa to recuperate and come to terms with their altered lives… it’s a charming movie - happy and sad in equal measure, with delightful scenery - well worth the watch…


the rest of the weekend has been spent doing this'n'that for me mum so now it's time to do my domestic crap... sorry for the unedifying post, but that's been my last few days... ohh, shit - me smoke alarm's going off - me toast must be burning!!!! (it also goes off when when it detects 'excessive' steam from the shower - now that's a pain if i'm enjoying a nice hot shower - good for water conservation though, it forces me to have quicker showers!!)

who was that masked man?

the lone ranger was a popular television show when i was growing up in the late 50s-early 60s - let's not forget, television itself was still new, only having been introduced here in australia in 1956 - consequently viewing was limited so really, anything and everything on telly was popular! at this stage in our technological development we were served up mostly american and british shows, with a sprinkling of local content hitting our screens...

getting sidetracked here, so back to the point... the show would end with the lone ranger 'riding off into the sunset' on his trusty stead silver, accompanied by his native american friend and sidekick tonto, with someone always posing the question "who was that masked man?"

why am i writing about the lone ranger? well, i'm not - but i did have a 'who was that masked man' moment yesterday when i went with my mother as moral support while she had a growth removed from her face...

it was a fascinating process to watch - i'm sure i wouldn't be saying that if the needle was massive, or if the incision was any larger and fleshy growth removed any bigger though!! - there was cutting and cauterizing and puffs of smoke - she actually had to be 'earthed' so as not to suffer an electric shock from the equipment! - but that's not what i'm writing about either!! what amazed me the most was the silence everything was performed in - the surgeon perhaps uttered a dozen or so words behind his mask in the whole time the procedure took (about 20 mins) - the most worrying utterance, well, a question for me mum, was "are you on any blood thinning drugs?" - now, i thought perhaps it was a question that may have been best asked before the procedure started - but it was asked halfway through - what the fuck!!! her answer was in the positive - 'yes, aspirin' - hmmm... i guess he at least knew then why she was bleeding so much!!!

once he'd finished and stitches were in place (he did seem extremely adept surgically), he put the removed material into a container to be sent off for testing and left the room (with mask still in place) - he never returned but left the poor young (20 year old, new to the job) nurse to try and answer our questions (guess he's not so adept with verbal communication)... i couldn't help but wonder "who was that masked man?"

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for regular readers, you will have seen my pleas to help free tony the tiger from his steel and concrete prison - the perseverence of all of those who have championed tony's cause over the years has paid off finally... the animal legal defense fund action has resulted in the louisianna department of wildlife and fisheries being prevented from renewing the truck stop owner's permit to keep tony as a roadside exhibit...

there is a downside though - the current permit stays in place until december (read more about the ruling here) - it's not ideal, but there is some 'light at the end of the tunnel' for the boy - now the search is on for a suitable sanctuary for this beautiful creature... hopefully boy you will soon experience some wonders of this world, rather than abuse, torment and sheer boredom...

this has been a long, hard battle - it's a long, slow process trying to change attitudes - but people can make a difference, we can change lives... we have voices that can speak up for the voiceless - but we need to continue to speak out, to 'persevere in the face of adversity'... as margaret mead said  "never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world... indeed, it is the only thing that ever has"...

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and why am i blogging during the day on a wednesday? i've got a cold thanks to a friend who came around at the weekend for dinner which was lovely, but unfortunately they were already feeling unwell (and obviously highly contagious) when they arrived - guess sharing the bong was an added guarantee of coming down with it! - the 'aftermath' sucks though (echinacea and ibuprofen are my best friends at the moment) - so i decided to stay home while feeling like crap and not spread anything to my colleagues... oooh, hopefully i wasn't contagious yesterday when i saw me mom (definitely no bong shared there!) - colds and flu are dangerous for her...