Monday, August 18, 2008

it's been a helluva week....

well, a helluva couple of weeks actually!!!
so I'm behind in my bloggin'.. haven't even started on my next instalment of the 60s..

life's just been so much crap...

so while I get it together and start 'drafting' - here's some music!!!
(I would have liked it to be "Hell of a time" by Barnsie!!! but I didn't come across it... you get "Still on your side" instead...)

Friday, August 15, 2008

Full circle

Ever find yourself wondering "what if ...... ?", or thinking "if only ..... ?"

I live with an alcoholic who's on a bender and a half at the moment... so far there's been wine, vodka - what is it with the vodka? Why do alcoholics think people can't tell they've been drinking if they drink vodka? It's alcohol for fuck's sake - it all affects the way they move, speak (slurrrrr?), how they smell - ask any partner of a drunk!!! Who knows what else there's been while I've been at work - and all of this after collapsing at work and being rushed to hospital last week - a warning from his ulcer - it luckily didn't hemorrhage, this time.

He has an addiction, I know that - and of course it's my fault - no doubt that's familiar to partners of alcoholics too - which of course absolves them from any responsibility for anything - of course, he has an addiction so as he's told me "deal with it, get over it"!!! Because apparently once you acknowledge you have an addiction, you don't have to do anything about it!!! Everyone else just has to deal with it because it apparently doesn't affect them at all - beware the person that says they're a 'happy' drunk - they are only happy to be drinking!!!!

Then there's the just plain nasty crap that goes on. As a vegetarian on moral grounds, I find it really hard to deal with the cooking of rancid, decaying flesh - but I've been assailed this week with the most nauseating stench - it permeates every room - such a horror to come home to - such an in your face reminder of the murder of innocent creatures - oh, and of course, I couldn't put the exhaust fan on could I - we had to go through that shit, that "to'ing and fro'ing" - me turning it on to try and get some 'respite' from the smell and him turning it off - you know how it goes - that total wearing down, that belligerent and obnoxious attitude...

and there's all the other 'niggly, narky' shit... and the inevitable threat of withholding money with that skewed, warped idea that I'll use it on myself??? I'll benefit while he misses out???? I really don't understand that garbage!!! that constant wondering if the bills are going to be paid on time takes its toll - of course, the utilities are no 'skin off his nose' - they're in my name - foolish me!!!

Both our fathers died because of alcohol related illness (cirrhosis of the liver) about the age my partner is now... so it's really hard to watch someone you've loved and cared deeply for over decades (and ohhh so hate at the moment) drinking themselves to death... and of course it's hard to be with someone who's drunk when you're not - so easy to fall into that routine of drinking too because 'it's easier'... and so easy for that to escalate - so easy to just get into the habit of getting a bottle on the way home... I never feel good after getting drunk - it's not my drug of choice... and it really is no fun being totally pissed together - drunks 'bait' each other, and that can be a highly volatile time - we've both been there many times - better not to 'bite' and that's impossible with booze around - it's taken me a long time learning that!!!

Unfortunately I bought a bottle the other night - I was really pissed off with him, he handled a week without booze, and there he was getting stuck right into his cask - it was soooo comfortable without booze around, so less stressful - I had no desire whatsoever for a drink that night - I'd enjoyed that abstinence - so I was angry at me for reacting that way - but I did throw half the bottle out - I felt better about myself after that... Seeing someone so dependent on alcohol can be a tad confronting, disturbing and frightening!!!

when will the shit end... started Tuesday, it's Friday night now... I want my sanity back!!!!

Ahhhh, life with an alcoholic - frustrating most days, frightening some days, debilitating always, and sheer 'hell' during a bender...

what if.....

if only .....

Monday, August 11, 2008

the 60s... where do I start???

I was five years old, television (b&w thank you) had been introduced and embraced wholeheartedly by the aussie public... by the end of the 50s it was estimated that over two-thirds of families in Sydney and Melbourne owned a television set.

"Television transformed the way Australians received information. It soon became Australia's dominant form of mass communication, taking over from radio and cinema and posing a challenge to print media.

Television transmitted ideas into Australia faster than ever before. Australia's awareness and experience of the rest of the world changed rapidly. Television exposed people to other cultures and world views and provided information that would play a major role in shaping popular public opinion." Interested? read more here.
And this is what we were watching in 1960... according to the Logie awards anyway...

Program Of The Year: 77 Sunset Strip
TV Highlight Of 1959: Shell Presents Series
TV WEEK Special Award: GTV9/ATN7 Interstate TV Link for Test Cricket
Best Male Personality: John Royle
Best Female Personality: Ruth Nye
Best Program: The Phil Silvers Show
Best Male Personality: Don Bennetts
Best Female Personality: Brenda Marshall
Best Program: Father Knows Best
Best Male Personality: Graham Kennedy
Best Female Personality: Panda Lisner
Best Program: In Melbourne Tonight
Menzies was STILL the prime minister, but an election was coming up in 1961 - could he be ousted??? Social change was unstoppable, but political conservatism was stubborn. We were cutting the umbilical cord with England, but we were being heavily influenced by America - and manipulated - 'we' were soon to be fodder in the Vietnam war - but not this year!!!

Women were (as always?!!??) fighting for equality. They were paid only 75% of the 'average' wage. In 'women only' professions such as teaching and nursing women were only getting two thirds of the male wage!

In 1960 equal pay for work of equal value was awarded, although specifically female work was not included and the issue of equal pay for women remained a source of 'hot' debate throughout the 1960s.

Women wanted more than domesticity and motherhood!!!!

Women wanted to experience life - they were sick of living in the background of men's lives.

Women wanted to be seen as - oooh, shock, horror - people in their own right - not someone else's doormat - not a slave, not a wife, not a mother!!!

In 1960 THE PILL was 'released' in the States, and of course that meant it wouldn't be long before it arrived in Australia (January 1st, 1961)!!!

The pill was about to change women's lives - but being 'released' didn't necessarily mean giving access to women - that was dependent on the attitude of the doctor writing the prescription - so it wasn't going to be readily available to unmarried women!! There was still a way to go - and the fight for free safe abortion was still to gain momentum...

The 60s was such a rich, complex, exciting, vibrant decade - so much was happening - people were expanding their consciousness, they were questioning, they were starting to live their lives differently... it was definitely the era to be growing up in!!!

So my 60s post appears to have expanded to a saga!!!!

stay tuned for the next instalment...

Saturday, August 9, 2008

ever had that desire....

to curl up and hibernate for a month or so - no pressures, no dealing with anyone or anything??? that's how I've felt this week...

I seem to have slowed down, almost ground to a halt, while life still moves on at a frantic pace!!! there have been times where I just wanted to shout

but of course you can't get off - life goes on... and so do you... because you have to... and time is a great 'healer'... and so are memories...

and then there are my animal companions - now they wouldn't be very impressed - they can't open the fridge or use a can opener... although Shadow can get into the pantry!!!! and being a cat he can get out where Allie and Louis have to be on leads!!!! ahhh, no wonder there's so much rivalry between the two black boys!!!

but you can't help but think about mortality when someone close to you (and your own age) dies... or your partner collapses and gets 'ambulanced' to hospital... you think about your own mortality... the mortality of those around you... and then you get right back into dealing with life, because death is part of the life cycle!!!

anyway, I'm thinking about my '60s' post(s) and how I'm going to approach it (them)... and hopefully I'll get some motivation, drive and time this weekend to actually start writing... that's the 'plan' so far - we'll see what happens...

here's a nice serene graphic to help with the creative flow of things...


Saturday, August 2, 2008

a sad goodbye my friend...

tranquility was a long time in coming... but you did it womon - you made it home before you let go...

I came across this poem written by "Anon"... it just seemed right...

They are not dead,
those who leave us this great heritage of remembering joy.

They still live in our hearts,
in the happiness we knew, in the dreams we shared.

They still breathe,
in the lingering fragrance, windblown, from their favourite flowers.

They still smile in the moonlight’s silver,
and laugh in the sunlight’s sparking gold.

They still speak in the echoes of the words we’ve heard them say again
and again.

They still move,
in the rhythm of waving grasses, in the dance of the tossing

They are not dead;
their memory is warm in our hearts, comfort in our sorrow.

They are not apart from us, but part of us, always


farewell Janis... forever in our hearts sister.....