it's been a hard journey....

it's hard to believe the changes that have happened in my life in such a short time... was it just a few weeks ago that shit happened and I ended up with black eyes??? that was definitely the catalyst to my understanding that I could no longer live with that volatility in our relationship any longer...

and fuck it's been hard... so much shit - loss - depression - stress - heartache - anger - expense (I'm in so much debt!!!!)... I've cried a lot - I've been blamed for everything - I've wallowed in self-pity - I've ached for what once was - I've missed Brann desperately - I've also hated him with a passion, especially his constant blaming of me and his refusal to accept any share of responsibility for the 'end' of 'us' (foolish me, of course - alcoholism has never affected a relationship has it!!!??)... I asked once if friendship could survive when love had gone - sadly, it doesn't look like it...

but luckily I've had incredibly caring people around me - the support, love and encouragement I've gotten has been overwhelming and I'm starting to get out of the 'mire' and get things together finally... things are settling down, the flat is starting to feel a semblance of comfortable - don't know if it'll ever feel like 'home' after the crap that went on with the neighbours from hell so early into tenancy... will finally get rid of depressing, horrid orange holland blinds this week when maroon venetians arrive - yay, that'll make sitting inside a little bit nicer - and did some work in the courtyard at the weekend, 'with a little help from my friends' - it's starting to take shape...

don't know how I would have survived without Irene, and then there's been me mum and even me brother, and of course Alistair and Katherine - such generosity, caring and warmth...

I miss my Lou-dude heaps, but saw him yesterday - he's lovin' the country, loves his country-cousins and Irene - but he loves coming to visit for the extra cuddles I give him (after all, he's got 3 other poodles to compete with in the country!!!!) - but he's only boarding - one day he'll be back with me...





Allie and Shadow are settling into their new surroundings... the old girl is coping okay - and the boy finally got outside so he's not so agitated.





There's no photos yet - I'll take some when the place is 'mine' - blinds in, courtyard looking cosy... but that won't take too long now... it's getting there...



ooooh, and before I call it quits here... Irene and I needed some comfort food so we went to Chocolateria San Churro in St Kilda at the weekend... they do the best Churros I've tasted... delicious - I highly recommend it... looks like it'll become a favourite 'haunt' when she brings the gang to visit - that'll have to be often for us to get through their menu!!!! ahhh, a little bit of chocolate decadence is so very therapeutic!!!!!



can't wait to try the tapas!!!!! and the fondue... and if you feel like being decadent at home in comfort, check out some of their recipes here!!!!!





and on that note, i'll say ciao for now... and maybe shed a few more tears ...

an interlude from pain...

Went through me mum's photos the other day... and came up with some great black and white images (some not so good) that I scanned it - very therapeutic (for a while) - so decided to make a montage - I've only used black & white (or sepia toned) ones... and ones that included a grandparent at the very least... I threatened you with these photos, so enjoy... but if you'd rather check out the slideshow (with captions), you can view it here!!!

As for me... loneliness, emptiness, heartache... I'm in that place at the moment... so here's a poem...



The Silent Tear © by Kayla Minor

It comes at night when no one is watching
It comes so soft, that it barely has a feeling
When it comes, your heart is at ease
And the only thing that is on your mind, is
Now the agony can finally leave

As you gaze into the emptiness that fills the air
A Droplet tends to fall
While your memory races back to the time
When you thought you had it all

You try to hold in what is deeply within your soul
But the burning is so intense; that you just
Can't help but to let it go

During the night a stain is made
And at the same time all your pain is able to fade
The only true feeling that you feel, is the wetness of
A drop that is left by a single tear.