Sunday, May 11, 2014

when thoughts turn to mothers...

my mother is on my mind a lot these days... i'm watching a once strong, feisty, vibrant, active womon become the womon she never saw in her future, never expected nor wanted to be... feeble, confused, depressed, unable to make solid decisions for herself, unable to find much joy in life anymore... it's a hard, painful, frustrating transition for her, and one she often tells me she wishes would end... her dream these days is to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up... 

i understand that dream... she turned 85 last month and has just had enough... chronic, degenerative illnesses and age have robbed her of her spark, her confidence, much of her vision, and her mobility and short term memory are failing by rapidly rising degrees... what lies ahead for her is hard to think about, harder to deal with... she is fluctuating between coping and crumbling, sometimes telling me she doesn't think she can live independently and look after herself anymore, then fearing the next step, entering a care facility, deciding now is not the time to start making those plans yet... being a working class womon with no assets, no money apart from a government pension, limits any option of the type of facility she would be able to afford...

i am concerned for her, and fearful of what lies ahead too... i have no sanctuary to offer her, i have no assets myself and no way to make her safe... i never want to have to make the decision as to where she will go, having heard some of the horror stories of many of the government funded facilities due to under-staffing and under-funding... i hope her dream comes true...

i have my ups and downs, guilt visits occasionally, but depression is a friend and foe that regularly comes to stay these days as our roles are reversed in our mother/daughter relationship, the daughter now the mother, the decision maker, the mother now the daughter, seeking protection and guidance...

my mum (1951); with me (1958)

my friend sailor lily wrote a beautiful essay, letter - i'm not sure what to call it - and sent it to me on my birthday last month - she knows the rocky mother/daughter relationship judy and i have shared, has seen the weight of it over the last few years, knows my fear and concern, understands my desire for my mother's life journey to end with dignity in her own familiar surroundings, with her memories enveloping her... i thought now was an appropriate time to share her words...
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Hey Judy! We’ve never met, but I’ve known your girl, your daughter, this amazing womon for well over a decade. Yeah not as long as you, hardly a moment in your life with her, just a blink really, or as long as a cigga takes.
But she’s hurting for you, Mother. She’s caring and crying for you Mother, and she’s doing it alone.  So Judy, so Mother, let’s have a Mum to Mum chat…

You have a river to cross, and you don’t have to swim hard or long. You don’t have to fight, and you won’t drown. Hey Judy, who I’ve never met: You’ve always been able to swim and keep people safe on your back, now is your time to float. When the burden is great know it is your time to float and be carried.

There is a great body of water, salty with life’s tears and spunk, with babies and friends and love, and its sole purpose, this river, is to take you a little downstream until you get to say “Yes, stop here, that’s my place.”

It will be your place. Not anyone else’s. In that place that you recognise you won’t be beholden. It’s just golden and dappled, or maybe a crazy club you once went to…Maybe a friend’s home.  Maybe a view you tasted when you were four.

No matter Judy - you will know it. You’ll be glad and grateful. When the time and the river take you there jump in with all the glee of a kid into the river. With all the happiness of a woman stepping forward into adventure or love, perhaps swept away in the currents, or perhaps quick to swim to the excitement of the other side, the embankment that beckons with green ferns and friends waving.

Hey Judy, be excited. This is it. Your time, your time at long-last.
And from me? By hook and by crook and default and error; you raised a child that became a girl that became a wonderful and powerful womon. Be proud! But when it’s time be nothing but that foot that carries you on, into the water, to take yourself back and forward and in and out to all the space and time of was and is and ever-ness."
----------------------------------------------

there are other mothers on my mind too... unlike my mother who has lived a long, full, mostly happy life and had the benefit of raising her children and watching them grow up, make their own decisions, choose their own paths and follow their journeys, there are many mothers who have never known that pleasure, never been allowed to nurture their babies and watch them grow, never known the wonder and joy of nuzzling, touching, sharing, only ever knowing pain, suffering, heartache and grief... these mothers deserve thought too - they deserve to be known and acknowledged - they deserve respect - they deserve the right to their own life and happy memories... all of us can do something for these mothers - one simple act can change their world, the world they have had no choice in... you have a choice - please, choose compassion, go vegan...


9 comments:

Bea Elliott said...

Let time be an enemy to no one who has lived a just life. Peace to you and your Mum as you travel this journey together. <3

proud womon said...

thank you bea - for your kind words, encouragement and support... i have no doubt we would be close friends - if only we lived in the same country, state, let alone suburb...

you are an inspiration - i am so thankful i found your wonderful blogs a few years ago - was it really only a few short years ago? i feel like i've known you for so very long!! you help sustain me and give my choices, and me, validation..

Bea Elliott said...

Mutual! <3

veganelder said...

Here's hoping the path onward provides a smooth journey for your mom and you.

proud womon said...

thank you for your kind words veganelder...

parlance said...

Hi, proud womon
I think you know that I am not - yet - vegetarian. But I always spread your teachings when I am somewhere that I think a listener might be ready to hear what you have written about.

I was at a craft weekend workshop this Saturday and Sunday, and when the talk at my table turned to mothers, I told them what you had written about the dairy industry and about how mothers of other species have their children taken from them. They were dismayed, and I think most of the group had not taken the time previously to think about this.

I'm writing this to let you know your blog spreads its message far and wide, and although I have not taken the final step in ethical eating, I am sensitised by what you write.

proud womon said...

thank you parlance... i can tell you're contemplating the journey - it's easy once you start, believe me...

my journey started when i looked into the eyes of cinders, one of my beautiful canine companions in the 70s - i'd just become aware of the dog-meat trade at that time and couldn't fathom it - what i saw was the same spark, the same intelligence, the same love of life i saw in humans... it was then i asked myself "if that's what i see in dogs, is it really any different in other species" - that's when i made the connection - there was no turning back from that day on...

i'm sure you've seen what i'm talking about in penny's eyes - maybe you just didn't recognise it at the time... perhaps next time you look into her eyes you will understand what i mean...

i'm sorry it took so long for me to include the 'dairy' and 'egg' industries in that connection - i was unaware of the death and brutality that existed, the 'obvious' death industries were my first 'eye-opening' - my understanding of, and horror at, the enslavement of others for any human 'benefit' was yet to come... unfortunately access to information then wasn't like now - the internet was yet to be 'born' - but now, information is just a click away...

lily said...

I came here to see if you'd written about the rough time of your Mum's recent death. One day you will and it will be wonderful, just wonderful. I feel honoured to find my words in your blog. You did Judy proud, and all I heard of her I know in you, the reddest threads and most enduring traits are those she wove into you. Ah Mothers. See you soon Proud Daughter.
'Lil.

proud womon said...

thanks lily... i will write about her death soon - just hasn't been the right time, nor has there been any time with my move, arranging funeral etc. and sorting out all of mum's 'stuff' - there's limited time to go through all of her things to hand her home of 20 years back to the public housing authority - it's a mammoth task, so much stuff, so many of her memories to cry over and decide what to do with... i'm just overwhelmed at the moment...