when life overwhelms...

these past few weeks have been hard, so much emotional turmoil - heartache, pleasure, pain and numbness (and everything in between) vying for my attention... i've been totally overwhelmed lately...

i needed to move, needed to be closer to me mum, her health and ability to look after herself were declining - and i wanted somewhere shadow and petey were welcome, where i didn't have to hide them for fear of being thrown out should the agents find out about them...

irene, my best friend of many years and someone i call sister, offered to lend me the money to make it possible, so i started looking at a few flats... i applied for one and was upfront and honest about my companions - didn't get that one... i emailed agents about others asking if petey and shadow would be allowed, receiving either no reply or a firm no... i viewed a few more - how some get onto the market and they actually let you look through them i don't know - disgusting - there was no way we could have taken any of them, no way we would be comfortable in such horrid surroundings... i was starting to feel depressed and resigned to the fact that i would either be stuck where i was or always have to lie about the gang in order to find a place to live...

and then an ad caught my eye - well, the precise words that caught my eye were 'pet friendly' - and what a perfect position - just around the corner from work and a short walk or quick tram ride to me mum's place... i just had to go and view that one... such a quaint, lovely wee flat at the back of a block of only 6, with a courtyard and such good energy when i walked in... i knew we would be happy in that flat... so i applied and we got it - shadow, petey and me...

i picked up the keys on thursday 3rd of july - now it was real... but i got a phone call later that morning - my mother had been rushed to hospital... she'd had a 'minor' heart attack, had pneumonia - and they were aside from kidneys that were failing, and lung cancer that was taking its toll... she deteriorated over the next few days...

on the saturday irene happened to be in melbourne so we went to visit judy together... she was extremely distressed - they were poking, prodding and probing her and she yelled at us 'why didn't you take me to the vet, they put you down there' - enough was enough - we requested her doctor be called immediately and demanded they stop their intervention, which was her choice and desire - they even had that on record at the hospital - they were meant to be keeping her comfortable, what comfort did she have in the distress they were causing... within 5 minutes of speaking to the doctor intervention was stopped and morphine was given - what a change when the morphine took effect... she smiled, she was lucid, she talked and laughed about old times with us - it turned out to be a beautiful visit with mum... how terrible it must be for those who are alone, with no-one to speak up for them when they are no longer capable...

sadly that was really the last quality time i got to spend with her... more and more opiates had to be administered to keep the pain and distress at bay, so there were very few moments of awareness for her after that... there were times you knew she knew you were there, but there were many when she didn't have the strength to acknowledge anybody - but almost everybody that mattered to her managed to visit her and she knew, recognised everyone and managed to say her goodbyes - she knew she wasn't going to see them again... every time i went in i would wrap my arms around her - i didn't know sometimes if she knew i was there or not - but i would talk to her and whisper in her ear 'it's time to let go now mum, you really can let go now...'

those few days were so hard - even more so because now i'd committed to moving i had all of my packing to be done in between spending time at the hospital... i don't know what i would have done without my niece rebbecca who virtually organised moving me on tuesday 8th july - she came down from malmsbury with her partner ray and a big covered trailer and they pretty much did it all because i was a mess...

the next day, wednesday 9th july i visited mum along with my brother darrell and her best friend and soul mate eileen... after a while we left with darrell saying he was going back in around 10pm to sit with her overnight as he'd done the previous couple of nights (at last he was finally doing something for his mother - once i would have said too little too late, but this was really the right time for him to come through)...

i was so drained and worn out with the stress of the move and the work still to be done, the knowledge my mother was dying and being unable to spend the time i might have liked to with her, but also feeling i was failing in my responsibility to petey and shadow too... so i came home to slowly start the unpacking process and spend some much needed time with my nonhuman family members - such a hard transition they were going through with me dashing in an out all the time - i felt so guilty constantly leaving them in this place that wasn't really home yet, and i'm sure they must have felt neglected and abandoned...

it was 9.30pm when i got the phone call - mum had died... how sad neither of us were with her at that time, but according to the nurse who sat her last hour with her it was a peaceful passing... so i rang darrell and we both went in to say our final goodbye to her - you could still feel her essence in the room, she'd waited for us in that ethereal way... i'll never forget the moment we walked into the room and darrell went up to her, kissed her on the forehead, then picked up her hand and held it and said "mum, you know you've gone and left us orphans now!" - she would have got a laugh out of that just as i did (after all darrell's 62 and i'm 59!!)... we sat and talked and laughed and cried, but we knew when it was time to leave - the warmth left the room and we knew she was gone...

there's been so much to do since her death and funeral... tying up the loose ends of her life has been a harrowing process and there's been no real time for grieving properly... we collect her ashes from springvale on wednesday and being the st kilda loving womon she was it was her wish to be scattered at the st kilda gardens and the st kilda pier - you'll finally get that walk to the end of the pier that you promised yourself you'd make one more time mum...

unfortunately she will never get to see the flat we moved into to be closer to her... however she got to see photos of it while still lucid so i have no doubt she felt some comfort in the knowledge i'd come home - home to her st kilda...

if the slideshow doesn't view properly, you can view it online... bye mum

thank you to those very special friends who have been there for me and helped me in so many ways - from the mundane moving practicalities to the emotional support needed so desperately - you know who you are...