Full circle

Ever find yourself wondering "what if ...... ?", or thinking "if only ..... ?"

I live with an alcoholic who's on a bender and a half at the moment... so far there's been wine, vodka - what is it with the vodka? Why do alcoholics think people can't tell they've been drinking if they drink vodka? It's alcohol for fuck's sake - it all affects the way they move, speak (slurrrrr?), how they smell - ask any partner of a drunk!!! Who knows what else there's been while I've been at work - and all of this after collapsing at work and being rushed to hospital last week - a warning from his ulcer - it luckily didn't hemorrhage, this time.

He has an addiction, I know that - and of course it's my fault - no doubt that's familiar to partners of alcoholics too - which of course absolves them from any responsibility for anything - of course, he has an addiction so as he's told me "deal with it, get over it"!!! Because apparently once you acknowledge you have an addiction, you don't have to do anything about it!!! Everyone else just has to deal with it because it apparently doesn't affect them at all - beware the person that says they're a 'happy' drunk - they are only happy to be drinking!!!!

Then there's the just plain nasty crap that goes on. As a vegetarian on moral grounds, I find it really hard to deal with the cooking of rancid, decaying flesh - but I've been assailed this week with the most nauseating stench - it permeates every room - such a horror to come home to - such an in your face reminder of the murder of innocent creatures - oh, and of course, I couldn't put the exhaust fan on could I - we had to go through that shit, that "to'ing and fro'ing" - me turning it on to try and get some 'respite' from the smell and him turning it off - you know how it goes - that total wearing down, that belligerent and obnoxious attitude...

and there's all the other 'niggly, narky' shit... and the inevitable threat of withholding money with that skewed, warped idea that I'll use it on myself??? I'll benefit while he misses out???? I really don't understand that garbage!!! that constant wondering if the bills are going to be paid on time takes its toll - of course, the utilities are no 'skin off his nose' - they're in my name - foolish me!!!

Both our fathers died because of alcohol related illness (cirrhosis of the liver) about the age my partner is now... so it's really hard to watch someone you've loved and cared deeply for over decades (and ohhh so hate at the moment) drinking themselves to death... and of course it's hard to be with someone who's drunk when you're not - so easy to fall into that routine of drinking too because 'it's easier'... and so easy for that to escalate - so easy to just get into the habit of getting a bottle on the way home... I never feel good after getting drunk - it's not my drug of choice... and it really is no fun being totally pissed together - drunks 'bait' each other, and that can be a highly volatile time - we've both been there many times - better not to 'bite' and that's impossible with booze around - it's taken me a long time learning that!!!

Unfortunately I bought a bottle the other night - I was really pissed off with him, he handled a week without booze, and there he was getting stuck right into his cask - it was soooo comfortable without booze around, so less stressful - I had no desire whatsoever for a drink that night - I'd enjoyed that abstinence - so I was angry at me for reacting that way - but I did throw half the bottle out - I felt better about myself after that... Seeing someone so dependent on alcohol can be a tad confronting, disturbing and frightening!!!

when will the shit end... started Tuesday, it's Friday night now... I want my sanity back!!!!

Ahhhh, life with an alcoholic - frustrating most days, frightening some days, debilitating always, and sheer 'hell' during a bender...

what if.....

if only .....